THOUGHTS from The HEADoc

This has been one of the weirdest weeks in my life. . .

as far as the thoughts and feelings I have experienced. The predominant feeling has probably been fear and I know that if there were no fear at this time I would truly be out of my mind. The thought has dawned upon me that it isn't too late to cut and run. I could just tell every patient that I prescribe a pain medication to that I can't treat them anymore. I would still maintain over 80% of my practice. I could walk in to my hearing on August 20th and state to my accusers that the problem is solved, goodbye, hope I never see you again. No hard feelings, right? That could be the beginning of the end of my nightmare. I could then try and slip back into anonymity, even though there would still be many who would see me as that bad doctor from the smear attack who did all of those terrible things that time. At least my livelihood would be protected.

I have seen during the week that the vast majority of patients, pain and non pain related, continue to support and believe in me and actually do understand how the government and the media work together to exert their will and control for their own causes. Even those that don't understand things that clearly do understand the concept of standing for a principle and know the difference between right and wrong. I saw a patient a couple of days ago who had been referred to me from a local pain clinic to help him cope with the loss of his ability to earn a living and other stressors associated with having a chronic pain condition. This was the third or fourth time we had talked and he trusted me to manage all of his pain medications along with his antidepressant treatment. We ended up on the topic of illegal substance abuse and the negative impact it has on us all. The conversation ended with him commenting about that Dr. Evil that was on the news last week who had been dispensing narcotics to all of those patients without seeing them. That's when I realized how insane this whole thing has been. How could the very same patient entrust me with his very life and at the same time have a fear of a despicable monster that is also me? I think that moment reassured to me what is truth and what is not truth. It is not I who is the real enemy.

I contacted a leading expert in the War on Pain Doctors and educated myself more through his website and have begun to understand more about the politics of this whole thing. I don't really know how I got here and I'm not sure if I want to be here or not, but I am here. I was most disappointed from the learning that the Medical Board is not an organization of peer physicians but more so an organization more loyal to the DEA and the government. I realized that I walked right into their trap without any legal representation three years ago. I also realized that it's not much of a war when one side has all of the ammunition. At least the side of the doctors has truth with it when it isn't allowed to be smeared or tainted, which has become the primary job of the media. There are hardly any journalist who investigate enough to really seek the truth. At least the newspaper did make an effort to get my side of my situation. The TV news did no such thing. They just used the press release in the manner it was intended to be used, assuming the accused to be guilty as charged. That type of thing is scary enough when thought of as conspiracy theory. It can take on another dimension when it really happens.

Should I cut and run now and leave 20% of my patients to make it the best way they can? This could all be over in less than two months if I do. My self preservation instinct says that is absolutely what I should do. My core values and moral obligation, however, would never allow me to do such a thing. If I were truly a corrupt individual I would have money to buy fine lawyers and wouldn't really need to work anyway. Since my situation is quite the opposite I am going to conclude that maybe I am not wrong in taking a stance here. My patients have stood by me and I continue to pick up new patients daily. They are the reason I do what I do. I have to continue to let my conscience be my guide. Dr. King once said that a man not willing to die for something isn't fit to live. I don't plan to die but I think that phrase symbolically captures how I feel.

psychiatry