A Look at Relationships

       

According to Freud, for one to be truly happy they must first be happy in their primary relationship and with their employment...

Without happiness in these two areas, for most people, there is little else that really matters in this ever changing human journey. Couples and marriage counseling is one of the areas of my work that I enjoy most. It's hard sometimes for me to understand how someone with a track record as bad as my own can counsel so well in such a difficult area. I don't toot my own horn that often but this is something I like doing and feel I am pretty darn good at. It may be the fact that clarifying and diagnosing relationship problems is the easy part that may only require a short amount of time. The really hard part falls on the couple who have to dedicate themselves to looking inward and making a perpetual commitment to change certain behaviors for the common good. A national divorce rate of about 60% is evidence of what a challenge this is.

Maslow was a Behavioral Scientist who gave us a hierarchy of needs that must be met in order for humans to be healthy and happy. I can't recall every need but following the basics of food, shelter, and clothing came the emotional requirements including a means for providing feelings of security, affection, and self esteem. There was an experiment done with lab mice that involved two identical sets of baby mice. One set was nursed by a female who wasn't the biological mother and the other set were nursed by a fake mouse mother that used the identical same milk. The experiment found that all of the baby mice in the group with the live mouse mother developed healthy with no problems, whereas all of the mice in the group with the dummy mother failed to thrive and eventually died, though there was no difference in the quality and amount of nutrition. It was concluded therefore that the missing ingredient for healthy mice was nurturing. Could this case be similar for humans? We all know of instances where an elderly spouse dies shortly after the death of their partner even though their physical state of health should not warrant death. Affection and companionship are crucial ingredients for life it might be concluded here. Random chance is not a satisfactory answer for me here.

People come to me in all stages of relationship failure, from having a hunch that something may be wrong to discovering their spouse has been having an affair, or worse. Rarely does a couple present with a chief complaint of "we need marital counseling." It is more likely that an individual presents with symptoms of depression or anxiety and relationship problems are identified as one of the main stressors. Usually, after some exploration it becomes obvious that there are major problems. Eventually, after a few sessions the idea of couples therapy may be raised. If the patient answers that the spouse is willing to do whatever it takes to save the relationship the prognosis is usually favorable. If the reply is that the spouse "will never go for that" the prognosis is usually dismal. I usually view the spouse and support system as either part of the solution or part of the problem. When, as a therapist, you haven't even met the spouse of a patient after a year there is a chance that significant problems may exist. The worst signs to hear from an unhappy wife include: "My husband doesn't want me to come anymore," "He calls me crazy," "Everything is always my fault," "He doesn't want me taking medications," "He says he doesn't have a problem,"... If the wife remains clueless at this point your work is cut out for you.

The most important ingredient for a couple to have hope for reconciliation is a mutual willingness to listen to the others' point of view and compromise or give them what they seek, if it is reasonable. If this is lacking in just one of the partners and no willingness to change exists then it is time to close up shop and go home. This relationship lacks the potential for further growth at this time. If that more stubborn partner doesn't even see what they are doing as counter-productive, selfish, or wrong, there is little or no hope and the next stop may be divorce court. Often I try to redefine another essential ingredient or tool known as communication. Most people don't really understand the true essence of communication and think of it as simply talking to each other or at each other. True communication involves mostly a skill of listening and hearing what the other person actually feels. Skillful communicators are able to picture themselves in the other persons position or from their point of view. If successful from both sides, the avenues are present for effective communication. From the perspective of the other (if reasonable) the decisions made will most likely be the best decisions or interactions. From a self centered point of view there will more likely be chaos and dissatisfaction in the relationship.

Many couples stay together for long periods of time despite disproportionate degrees of satisfaction. I call this a "Taker Giver" relationship. The Giver gives and gives and gives and the Taker takes and takes and takes until the giver is tired of giving or gives completely out. The Taker will usually criticize and be angry at the Giver for not giving as much or totally stopping giving. Repeated unresolved arguments are the norm in this situation. Communication and compromise have never been a part of this relationship. An effective therapist can help them get on track to growth and eventual harmony if Mr. or Mrs. Taker are willing to comply. It is extremely rare that a Taker will surrender his or her perceived entitlement without a fight or at least a threat of abandonment. He will usually try sending his wife in to the shop alone for repair because in his eyes she has the problem not him. The new age has brought a crisis for many men with old school beliefs. In the past, due to social and cultural restrictions women once had to depend on a man (generally speaking) for her security and survival. Over time that reality has become a thing of the past. Regardless of how viewed, today most women have the potential to take care of themselves and their children without male assistance if necessary. This was not the reality of our grand parents.

In every relationship there will be disagreements and sometimes arguments. The number one precipitant has been identified as money problems. Almost any problem can be resolved through the use of communication, compromise, and negotiation if both parties are willing. Unfortunately, many have never completely developed these skills. Without them an emotional handicap will exist in regards to potential for growth in a relationship. Those who adopt the coping strategy of avoidance may tend to run away when the heat gets too hot and get into another relationship that takes them to the very exact same point. This cycle can be repeated many times and the individual still may not seem to get it. If knowledge of the principles and ideas presented here were all it took to be happy in a relationship I would surmise that marital therapists are the happiest people on earth. Knowledge, however, is just the begining and without action is pretty much useless. Commitment, compatibility, and practice, practice, practice are the key.

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