Silver Lining Search II

 

Sometimes life gets a little crazy for all of us. . .

At such times we can become totally out of control in regards to what will happen in our lives. Individuals such as fighter pilots, trauma surgeons, or astronauts are trained to feel in control of the situation at all times. The truth is that we only have control of the choices we make in any given situation, nothing more or less.

This is a core principle of addiction in that the addict has deluded them self into believing that they possess some degree of control over their drug of choice. In reality the person is completely out of control and cannot be helped until accepting this fact. My current circumstances seem to have awakened me to certain realities from a personal perspective. Life has so many lessons. I'm beginning to understand the contradiction between myself and the substance abuse community. With the cynicism and animosity sometimes felt, one would find it puzzling why I might continue treating so many patients with chemical dependency. In a sense this sometimes dysfunctional relationship between myself and this group, as a whole, seems to have functioned as a distraction from some of the undesirable realities of my own life. Practicing psychiatry in general requires an ability to detach oneself from ones own emotions. It can become tempting to get caught up in empathizing with others to the point that the empathy can become mistaken for ones own emotions. The two are not even remotely the same.

Empathy and compassion can be sincere and intense but also can be turned on and off with a reasonable degree of control. With ones own grief emotions or other issues this is not so. Certain processes must occur emotionally to reach point B from point A. It has become more aware to me of times when I may have coped with certain personal issues by allowing myself to use my work as a means of distraction or avoidance. Such behaviors, on my behalf, can serve the same purpose for me that the pot or cocaine serves for the addict. By observation of the lack of control in the addict patient's life I suppose it could make it easier to delude myself into the false security of being in control of my own issues and problems. Fortunately, nature has means of shocking us back into reality if we choose to listen.

Yesterday was an interesting day. By necessity my appointments were cancelled and I went to the VA Hospital with my father and finally talked face to face with his doctor. Sitting in the chair opposite the doctor is a totally different experience. It is basically a reality check. Thoughts can no longer be separated from emotions here. Finally, I felt the appropriate emotions and allowed myself to weep some. Just a day before I worked with a young teen who was grieving the death of his dad to a motorcycle accident. His anger was getting the best of him and causing major problems at home. I tried to help him see that crying was a natural and normal part of grief. Though his pain had to be much greater than my own, due to the marked difference in circumstance, I still wondered if I would be able to practice what I have preached. I thought of the many patients that had poured their souls out before me over the past months and somehow me comforting them with words that only faith assured me of any validity. Now I had to drop my shield and feel those dreaded grief emotions. I had to let go of the delusion of being impervious to pain. I suppose this last appointment was more for myself and my family more so than for my father. I was really the one seeking validation from his doctor that it was OK to let go and allow nature to take its course. I needed her to say what I already knew. She did a splendid job of empathizing, compassion, and facilitating. It allowed me to begin the grieving process.

I had some time alone with my father and used it to test some of the things I have said to others when experiencing such times. Many times the therapeutic approaches I use with others are highly intuitively based. I have often wondered if some of the things I say just sound nice and are more palliative than factual. An example might be when I have suggested that the actual words spoken during the dying process to a loved one is much less important than the statement made by the physical presence and intent of the family member present. This has helped patients process guilt feelings. I have suggested other things that are without proof such as the dying person doesn't let go until they decide to and feel content with the good byes. After seeing a chest Xray from last year with the image of a large tumor I sat quietly with my father in the exam room for a while and then later on the walk way outside waiting for the transportation person to return. I observed his cachectic appearance and inability to lift a small bottle of juice to his mouth. I suppose that's when I realized that his physical presence was almost spent and it had to be just will power keeping him alive. I still didn't want to cry but I couldn't hold back the tears and it was good for this to happen.

I probably would be at work today had I not learned of my Uncle Van's unexpected death upon return from the VA. This news overwhelmed me to submission though I really was unable to feel much of anything. Uncle Van was the last remaining sibling of my mother. I always expected he would eventually be the sole survivor but nothing is predicable when it comes to death. I don't wish for any reader to get the impression that I am seeking pity from this journal entry for that isn't the case. This has just been an outlet I sometimes use to process things and I know there are some who find my thoughts resourceful at times. I just record it as I see it.

Sometimes life is very sad and unpleasant but there is always a silver lining if we have the patience to wait and seek. Yesterday, I began to grieve yet I felt a sense of rebirth in many ways. I began to open up and allow others to help me realistically face life more completely. I rekindled some old friendships. I witnessed the peacefulness of a baby bunny walk quietly by my feet as two squirrels played on the tree trunk next to me. I accepted the offer from my nephews' dog to rub his belly as he enjoyed the contact and attention. I wasn't ready for the face licking yet and had to decline that offer. I touched a newborn baby yesterday. I realized from the grief that without it none of these simple things would have much meaning for there would be lack of a valid point of reference. For me personally, the greatest lesson of the past week is to stop hiding behind my work and to learn to live more fully. I wish to thank all who have expressed love through your prayers and concerns. May God bless you.

Comments

[Sharmila]

I appreciate your processing of your work and dealing with your own issues.

I'm thinking of pursuing psychology and I know that I've been guilty of w/o realizing, of others 'stuff' as a massage therapist. I tend to be very empathic, and this is something to monitor as I enter the world as a facilitator to change.

I thank you for the courage to admit that to yourself but to post it as well. You keep yourself in integrity, and it gives me inspiration as well. Thank you!

[ttnet]

thanks