D e e p Thoughts

   The procrastination shall stop here. . .

There has been a lot on my mind lately but little that I haven't written about before. In the past I have usually been inspired by things that tended to incite anger from deep within. I feel like I'm at a point in my life where I don't care to entertain thoughts and emotions about things for which I have little or no control over. My 50th birthday will come in three days despite the feelings of denial I have experienced. I just cannot believe that I am actually 50 years old. I remember quite well when I thought 28 was old. I remember how fast the past 20 years flew by and to think that should I live 20 more years I will be 70 years old when it happens again. I don't know if I can grow old gracefully. I suppose growing old does beat the alternative, however.

I'm quite pleased with the outcome of the election. Strangely, there is a part deep within myself that rings of grief. The cold reality that there really is a limit to how good things will ever get has started to set in. I think I realize for the first time that there really is no one to blame for the bad things that happen in life. I gave George Bush and Dick Cheney far too much credit in the past. The whole political arena is actually just an illusion enhanced by the mass media that helps influence one's world view but I'm starting to realize more clearly that the real power lay within the grass roots of society. That is what truly makes America have the potential to be the greatest civilization ever possible. Emphasis must be placed on the word potential, for that is quite the key word. There also exists a potential for America to fail. I feel we have surpassed that threshold but have exposed where we really are as a country. There is an enormous amount of work to be done both individually and collectively if true greatness ever becomes a reality.

I'm an idealist in my thinking.It took me years to stifle the competitiveness within my personality, even though I'm aware that I would have accomplished very little in life were it not for that very trait. I never became the professional athlete or actor that I dreamed of for years. That doesn't really matter. What is important is that America gave me the opportunity to have those dreams. Without such dreams I probably would have never become The HEADoc. The problem with the competiveness is that one can never reach a point where one is truly satisfied and in harmony. There always has to be more. Someone must always win and there must be a loser. Thank God I no longer think that way. It really has been a process of adapting. Adapting to diminishing physical limitations over time and compensating through other means. I know that if I could regenerate my 18 year old body and keep the wisdom gained over time, I would somehow figure out a way to have been successful in a professional sport or as an actor. But... after achieving such an accomplishment I truly believe that I would have regrets about not knowing whether or not I could have become a doctor. There still would have been a lack of total satisfaction because the accomplishment would have been achieved through competing instead of being a gift and a natural calling. It took some competing (and luck) to get into and out of Med School but becoming a Psychiatrist was totally by choice. I believe it to be my true calling.

So what is the point I'm trying to make here??? Maybe it is that our free will in an atmosphere of freedom is an awesome thing. Each day I exert great effort in hopes of shining some light on the source of the emotional pain that brought a given patient into my office. I know that if the individual can ever gain the insight to understand some of why they feel the hurt it then becomes possible for them to move beyond it. One prototype is the sexually abused child who is betrayed in the worst possible way by an adult who was charged with the responsibility of protecting and nurturing. After repeated assaults that child understands on a gut level that something is terribly wrong and seeks protection from another adult where there still remains some trust. More often than not, that adult may not be up to the task and either blames the child or refuses to believe the child's story. Thus the child is emotionally traumatized again and perhaps scarred for life. Who in this world can this child trust? From their young and restricted point of view they conclude that no one can be trusted. That child then retreats within themself and develops whatever coping mechanisms that will allow them to survive, or in many cases to self destruct over time. Another prototype that really bothers me is the case of the dead beat dad. I see no excuse for such behavior. The only thing a child cannot forgive a parent for is voluntary abandonment. This is so difficult because it forces that child to question and explore themselves for answers that do not exist. Such a child may conclude subconsciously and erroneously that he left me because I am defective or I am bad or was not worthy. A child without a healthy self esteem has little chance of success and happiness. Children, by nature,  have no means of expressing frustrations and emotions other than acting them out. A child who is hurt and angry may know only one recourse, to make others feel the same as them. Often that other person is their single mother who already has issues from the disappointing relationship with the child's father. Those closest to us are capable of causing the deepest pain.

The free will exercized in a dangerous manner by the adult examples mentioned above is capable of catastrophic emotional damage to the most innocent of victims. It is extremely difficult for a victim to break free from the bondage created by such situations. I suppose my work sometimes causes me to feel that hypocrisy is pervasive throughout our society. We often pretend that certain atrocities within our culture don't really exist or they may be minimized or dismissed as though fictitious. We tend to only acknowledge what we are fed through the media and accept that as an accurate portrayal of our social reality. Unfortunately, the media is limited in the ability to reflect an accurate and precise reality of human life. This too happens concerning the problem of drug addiction. Those higher up are charged with protecting the metaphorical child. In reality, they essentially look the other way or allow our attention to be diverted as literally tons of poison are dumped on our streets. An occasional bust or arrest is publicized to reassure the public that the war on drugs is being fought and progress is being made. It is total B.S. in reality. There is absolutely no intention of ever winning a war on drugs. That is what really hurts me most about the way I have been treated by the State Medical Board and the local media. I know the real truth so it doesn't really matter how they choose to portray me. I know that it all is political in nature. I understand on a street level how their approach is ultimately part of the problem and not the solution. The unfortunate irony and cold reality of the big picture is that there is a need for misery in our society, due to its profitability and economical importance. There is a need for prisons. There is a need for crime. Could you really imagine a world without those things? What would all the lawyers, judges, and prison guards do? Bush vowed to stamp out evil in the world at one point and was greatly criticized. I don't think he was altogether wrong with the idea. I think we just need to start at home.