Self Reflection '09

        I've thought long and hard lately if I want to continue posting. . .

I feel mixed emotions for the most part. My soul searching of late has forced me to seriously ask myself if this journal serves a useful purpose any longer. I think my spirit just may have finally been broken or maybe I'm just suffering from a severe narcissistic injury. I don't think it is depression that I have been feeling but more of a loss of sense of purpose. Maybe this is part of entering the world of middle age. I hope it gets better with time.

As a teen, I learned to base much of my self worth on how accurately I could shoot a round ball through a hoop or how fast I could run from point A to point B on foot. I made much more of such things than my God given talent should have warranted. Will power can be an awesome thing. I have always thrived on accepting challenge. From an early age, I never saw regurgitating information taught in a classroom for a written exam as much of a challenge, and except for math it usually came easy for me when the motivation was there. In college I learned that doing so on a consistent and structurally organized basis could lead to earning a degree which actually had some value in making one's life better. Medical School was the ultimate challenge of my life. A challenge simply means either you beat me or I beat you, let's find out what happens. After making it through the basic sciences part of medical school it became less of a challenge and more of a destiny. Like many naive young future doctors I began to dream about making a real difference in the world one day. Somewhere between internship and the first few years of practice the reality begins to set in that being a doctor is really just another job. Yeah, your gross income goes up significantly but so do your responsibilities, expectations of others, and the number and amount of your bills and obligations. Nope, you will do very little to change the world as you once dreamed. But the world will likely do quite a number on changing you from the person you once were. I vowed I'd never change. That vow can be bad for your health. I can only speak from the perspective of a Psychiatrist since that is the only perspective I know.

Everything must change eventually. That is the only constant outside of truth. Change can be difficult. In the past few days I talked with patients struggling with great loss, from the young expectant mother who lost both twins late in the third trimester to the nurse who defeated severe major depression only to take up a battle against breast cancer to the woman attempting to understand why her husband left after 40 years of marriage. Their minister has no satisfactory answer for them and neither do I. Most of us can only believe that God is much too wise to make a mistake. Unearned suffering is redemptive, in the words of Ralph Waldo Emerson whom Dr. King quoted on more than one occasion.

I think I've felt most passionately about attempting to treat people in deep pain and people who chose to cope with life through abusing chemical substances. I was close to several people in my younger years who suffered from an addiction. All of them are deceased now. Even with the best treatment an estimated 70% of those with a serious chemical dependency will die prematurely. On the bright side, roughly 30% will recover successfully if they sincerely choose to and are given the help they need. That is one of the most valuable lessons I have learned over time, to help those who would help themselves. I feel in my heart that it is my calling to do that.

I accept that The North Carolina Medical Board is not on my side. I accept losing that battle, as I must. In time they will have to see and understand more clearly the true nature of the problem of drug abuse in our society. They will see that their approach to the problem is close to synonymous with trying to stop violent crime by making guns illegal. In essence, only the bad guys would have guns. If all the doctors become too afraid to prescribe controlled drugs it won't stop addicts from using, and more and more drugs will enter the country illegally.

As far as continuing to post, I will just play it by ear for now. I want to develop a different format that isn't so personal. I'll entertain that thought for a while. Happy New Year to All!

Comments

[prozac]

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