D e e p Thoughts

   The procrastination shall stop here. . .

There has been a lot on my mind lately but little that I haven't written about before. In the past I have usually been inspired by things that tended to incite anger from deep within. I feel like I'm at a point in my life where I don't care to entertain thoughts and emotions about things for which I have little or no control over. My 50th birthday will come in three days despite the feelings of denial I have experienced. I just cannot believe that I am actually 50 years old. I remember quite well when I thought 28 was old. I remember how fast the past 20 years flew by and to think that should I live 20 more years I will be 70 years old when it happens again. I don't know if I can grow old gracefully. I suppose growing old does beat the alternative, however.

I'm quite pleased with the outcome of the election. Strangely, there is a part deep within myself that rings of grief. The cold reality that there really is a limit to how good things will ever get has started to set in. I think I realize for the first time that there really is no one to blame for the bad things that happen in life. I gave George Bush and Dick Cheney far too much credit in the past. The whole political arena is actually just an illusion enhanced by the mass media that helps influence one's world view but I'm starting to realize more clearly that the real power lay within the grass roots of society. That is what truly makes America have the potential to be the greatest civilization ever possible. Emphasis must be placed on the word potential, for that is quite the key word. There also exists a potential for America to fail. I feel we have surpassed that threshold but have exposed where we really are as a country. There is an enormous amount of work to be done both individually and collectively if true greatness ever becomes a reality.

I'm an idealist in my thinking.It took me years to stifle the competitiveness within my personality, even though I'm aware that I would have accomplished very little in life were it not for that very trait. I never became the professional athlete or actor that I dreamed of for years. That doesn't really matter. What is important is that America gave me the opportunity to have those dreams. Without such dreams I probably would have never become The HEADoc. The problem with the competiveness is that one can never reach a point where one is truly satisfied and in harmony. There always has to be more. Someone must always win and there must be a loser. Thank God I no longer think that way. It really has been a process of adapting. Adapting to diminishing physical limitations over time and compensating through other means. I know that if I could regenerate my 18 year old body and keep the wisdom gained over time, I would somehow figure out a way to have been successful in a professional sport or as an actor. But... after achieving such an accomplishment I truly believe that I would have regrets about not knowing whether or not I could have become a doctor. There still would have been a lack of total satisfaction because the accomplishment would have been achieved through competing instead of being a gift and a natural calling. It took some competing (and luck) to get into and out of Med School but becoming a Psychiatrist was totally by choice. I believe it to be my true calling.

So what is the point I'm trying to make here??? Maybe it is that our free will in an atmosphere of freedom is an awesome thing. Each day I exert great effort in hopes of shining some light on the source of the emotional pain that brought a given patient into my office. I know that if the individual can ever gain the insight to understand some of why they feel the hurt it then becomes possible for them to move beyond it. One prototype is the sexually abused child who is betrayed in the worst possible way by an adult who was charged with the responsibility of protecting and nurturing. After repeated assaults that child understands on a gut level that something is terribly wrong and seeks protection from another adult where there still remains some trust. More often than not, that adult may not be up to the task and either blames the child or refuses to believe the child's story. Thus the child is emotionally traumatized again and perhaps scarred for life. Who in this world can this child trust? From their young and restricted point of view they conclude that no one can be trusted. That child then retreats within themself and develops whatever coping mechanisms that will allow them to survive, or in many cases to self destruct over time. Another prototype that really bothers me is the case of the dead beat dad. I see no excuse for such behavior. The only thing a child cannot forgive a parent for is voluntary abandonment. This is so difficult because it forces that child to question and explore themselves for answers that do not exist. Such a child may conclude subconsciously and erroneously that he left me because I am defective or I am bad or was not worthy. A child without a healthy self esteem has little chance of success and happiness. Children, by nature,  have no means of expressing frustrations and emotions other than acting them out. A child who is hurt and angry may know only one recourse, to make others feel the same as them. Often that other person is their single mother who already has issues from the disappointing relationship with the child's father. Those closest to us are capable of causing the deepest pain.

The free will exercized in a dangerous manner by the adult examples mentioned above is capable of catastrophic emotional damage to the most innocent of victims. It is extremely difficult for a victim to break free from the bondage created by such situations. I suppose my work sometimes causes me to feel that hypocrisy is pervasive throughout our society. We often pretend that certain atrocities within our culture don't really exist or they may be minimized or dismissed as though fictitious. We tend to only acknowledge what we are fed through the media and accept that as an accurate portrayal of our social reality. Unfortunately, the media is limited in the ability to reflect an accurate and precise reality of human life. This too happens concerning the problem of drug addiction. Those higher up are charged with protecting the metaphorical child. In reality, they essentially look the other way or allow our attention to be diverted as literally tons of poison are dumped on our streets. An occasional bust or arrest is publicized to reassure the public that the war on drugs is being fought and progress is being made. It is total B.S. in reality. There is absolutely no intention of ever winning a war on drugs. That is what really hurts me most about the way I have been treated by the State Medical Board and the local media. I know the real truth so it doesn't really matter how they choose to portray me. I know that it all is political in nature. I understand on a street level how their approach is ultimately part of the problem and not the solution. The unfortunate irony and cold reality of the big picture is that there is a need for misery in our society, due to its profitability and economical importance. There is a need for prisons. There is a need for crime. Could you really imagine a world without those things? What would all the lawyers, judges, and prison guards do? Bush vowed to stamp out evil in the world at one point and was greatly criticized. I don't think he was altogether wrong with the idea. I think we just need to start at home.

Yes We Can

       What can I write this evening?. . .

The world became a different place a week ago. It was inevitable yet unbelievable as America rose up and opened the possibility to live out the true meaning of its creed. It is still too incredible for many to comprehend at times. The genie is out of the bottle and no matter what the future holds it cannot be put back in that bottle. Though I have done little to express it, I have never been more proud of my country nor more proud to be identified as an African-American. I was at the same time saddened to see many cling to the bitterness and ignorance that has divided us since pre Civil War days. But the good part is that it doesn't matter in the same way as it did before the 2008 election. John McCain's greatest moment, to me, came during his concession speech. He sincerely buried the hatchet and set the stage for healing and unity when he didn't have to. I will forever respect him for being gracious and showing class at a difficult time.

Scholars of Dr. King understand that the issue has never really been about black versus white but the true issue has been about an America that is fair for all people. Where a man such as Barack would not be judged by the color of his skin but instead the content of his character. Some, including myself, doubted it would ever occur in our life times. But the right man came on the scene at the right time and rose to the challenge. History was made. His most important promise was hope and he has already delivered. The rest is up to us as citizens to re-examine our personal selves in the way that JFK so eloquently challenged us to ask not what our country can do for us but ask what we can do for our country. To me, that is what true leadership is about. If each citizen threw into the pot the best they have to offer the possibilities would be endless. These words may come off as rhetorical but I find a rhetoric consisting of hope preferable to one based on fear. This is where I believe Obama will really make history. He holds the power to destroy forever all of the myths and stereotypical beliefs perpetuated to the world about the Black man. If you've never been a man of color you may not understand why I would even write such a thing. I'm so glad that America has grown and majority rejected the knee jerk reaction to lies of Obama being a terrorist, that he would change the national anthem, paint the white house, and to the extremely bizarre of him being the anti-Christ signalling the rapture in forty days. All of these ideas are totally nuts but there are actually people among us who believe such.

I am quite aware that it is a waste of time and rarely productive to discuss politics or religion. It can be enlightening, however, to do such with one who is learned. Even more so with one who is learned and passionate. Politics, I have found to often be a dirty, cut throat kind of game. The game is roughly 80% based on psychological principles which makes it interesting for me. Sometimes I don't feel fear when I should and I also have a burning desire for truth. I don't like being lied to or tricked. Give me the facts and let me make up my own mind. Religion is different from politics in that it is mostly faith based. You have to believe in order for it to have any real meaning or power. The facts often have to be interpreted in religion. The ability to incite the emotions of fear or anger within people is what makes politics and religion such volatile and controversial topics. Friendships have been severed and countries have gone to war over disagreements with religion or politics. Is it really worth it?

For the first time in quite a while, I feel no animosity and no anger within. I feel a sense of hope that I have never experienced before. I feel validated. My life is far from perfect. There is much work to be done. I understand that President Elect Obama is powerless without the support and efforts of the people. I sense forward motion and reject all negativity headed my way for the years to come.

Time for Change

I do take comments seriously. . .

thus the new look of the sight. The white letters on black background really had played out in addition to being harder to read than traditional white background with dark print. I have known that for a while but continued to procrastinate mainly because I didn't think anyone really cared. From the beginning of this journal I never really expected many people would find it worthwhile to read and I sometimes forget that there have been a substantial number of readers over time. Knowing that has provided me enough motivation to continue posting.

I understand that I have one of the most interesting jobs on earth and feel it important to share sometimes that which is appropriate to those who may be interested. I can say that no day is ever quite the same and that tends to make the feelings of stress and frustration bearable. Of most importance, my job has taught me limits over time. It is no secret to regular readers that the greatest challenge has been dealing with non compliant uncommitted substance abusers. The bottom line has become resoundingly clear that there is no help for those who choose not to help themselves. Our country has a dysfunctional system for handling the growing problem of addictions which greatly affect the the lower class and appears to be rapidly affecting the middle class. I still identify with that population because that is where I came from. I feel enraged at the fact that more isn't done at the entry level into the country for cocaine and heroin. Instead the focus is directed toward people like myself who are trying to help fix the problem. That is why I feel cynical about politics. No candidate has said a single word about the drug problem. It is as if it doesn't exist. It makes me wonder who really controls the country. Is what we see what is really reality? Follow the money. Who is really receiving the benefit at the expense of others? How do the drugs really get to the consumer? Maybe the jails and the court system and law enforcement need the users to continue using.

Some days I can't believe what has happened to me with this issue with the Medical Board. I did take the risk of seeing many patients that other doctors would not see or were not appropriate for the public centers that are supposed to treat addictions. Many of the addicts were actually created by our dysfunctional system which punishes doctors for associating with such patients. My case has been continued until February now. I think they realize they have a hot potato. All of the useful evidence that could be used against me is from over a year ago and most of it I told them willingly (which I now realize was a stupid thing to do). This is obviously a witch hunt, which serves the purpose of diverting attention from the real problem. I believe within my heart that there are indeed corrupt individuals within our legal and political systems. That is the true source of what is destroying the fabric of our communities. People need jobs, access to proper health care, and education.

Sometimes it may appear that I overinflate my self worth by associating my situation with the national agenda. I view it a bit differently and feel that the true enemy needs for people such as myself to be marginalized, discredited, suppressed, or neutralized for we are a threat to the status quo. I feel validated when people that I know, mainly patients, reject the smear tactics used against me. People who truly know me are aware of what type of person I truly am and that, most of the time, I actually am pretty good at what I do. I have worked hard to correct what the Medical Board deemed deficient. My reputation was attacked but it is not sticking. There are a few pharmacists who have gone out of their way to propagate the negativity but they are only hurting their own business. People have assured to me that my plight has been a part of their daily prayers. I feel confident that the enemy will not prevail here. If God is for us then who can be against us. For me, this is becoming a test of faith.

On the lighter side... Someone told me that cats are suppose to calm down when they are sterilized. That apparently is not true. My cat actually seemed to resort to the behavior she displayed when in heat. She's bolting out the door every opportunity and sniffing for the tom cat's scent. At least she loses interest after a few minutes and comes back in. I wonder how long this will last. I was afraid to admit that I had relocated Squeaky to my property in the country because I was afraid she might not adapt. She has some ferral cat tendencies and suprisingly has done quite well so far. There is a neighborhood scavenger dog that I was most concerned about. She has learned to evade him when necessary. She loves climbing the trees and exploring the proximal territory. The first time she climbed a tree she was stuck about 15 feet off the ground and afraid to come down. She started whining out of fear and confusion. Sounds like a job for the fire department. Yeah, right. They would have loved to come back a third time. Eventually she came down to a lower level and jumped. There was a considerable thump but fortunately she wasn't hurt. Live and learn.